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If Only He Knew: What No Woman Can Resist Mass Market Paperback – January 13, 1997

by Gary Smalley (Author), Norma Smalley (Author)

4.5 329 ratings

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Do you want your wife to: - understand you? - appreciate you? - be more responsive sexually? - support you during hard times? - admire you? - share your interests? - listen to what you have to say?

About the Author

Gary Smalley was one of the country’s best-known authors and speakers on family relationships. In addition to writing The Blessing and The Two Sides of Love with John Trent, their book The Language of Love (newly revised and updated) won the Angel Award as the best contribution to family life. His national infomercial, Hidden Keys to Loving Relationships, has been viewed by television audiences all over the world.

Product details

Publisher ‏ : ‎ Zondervan; Revised edition (January 13, 1997)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Mass Market Paperback ‏ : ‎ 208 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0310214785
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0310214786
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 3.81 ounces
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 4.25 x 0.63 x 6.73 inches

Best Sellers Rank: #1,413,097 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #3,529 in Christian Marriage (Books)
- #6,369 in Love & Romance (Books)
- #6,632 in Marriage

Customer Reviews:
4.5 329 ratings

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Gary Smalley

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Gary Smalley is one of the country's best known authors and speakers on family relationships. He is the author and coauthor of 16 best-selling, award-winning books along with several popular films and videos. He has spent over 30 years learning, teaching, and counseling. Gary has personally interviewed hundreds of singles and couples and has surveyed thousands of people at his seminars, asking two questions: what is it that strengthens your relationships and what weakens them?

Gary's books combined have sold over 5 million copies. Many of them have even been translated into various languages. "The Blessing" and "The Two Sides of Love" have won the Gold Medallion Award for excellence in literature. "The Language of Love" won the Angel Award as the best contribution to family life. All other titles have been top-five finalists for the Gold Medallion Award.

In the last 30 years, Gary has spoken to over 2 million people in live conferences. He has been presenting his live two-day workshop, "Love Is a Decision," once a month for the last 20 years. Television audiences all over the world have viewed his award-winning infomercial, "Hidden Keys to Loving Relationships." Several versions of the infomercial--first with Dick Clark, then with John Tesh and Connie Sellecca, and also with Frank and Kathie Lee Gifford--have been aired. This 18-videotape series has sold over 4 million tapes.

Gary Smalley has appeared on national television programs such as "Oprah," "Larry King Live," "Extra," "The Today Show," and "Sally Jessy Raphael," as well as numerous national radio programs. Gary has been featured on hundreds of regional and local television and radio programs across the United States.

Gary and his wife, Norma, have been married for 40 years and live in Branson, Missouri. They have three children, Kari, Greg, and Michael, and six grandchildren.

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Soulfixer

Classic Marriage Book for Men

Reviewed in the United States on March 4, 2024

Verified Purchase

This book turned our average marriage into a home run, out of the ballpark kind of relationship. Written for men, this lifesaving book impacted us. The companion book, however, was incredibly NOT helpful.

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Sparkling Icewolf

How YOU can change your marriage

Reviewed in the United States on May 8, 2006

Verified Purchase

My husband and I own both of these books. They really are best if you read them together: If Only He Knew (for the guys) and For Better or for Best (for the gals). I have reccomended these books to many people. I believe they help improve communication in marriage (and also other relationships!) so that you learn how to be a better partner in the relationship.

I have been reading many of these reviews. The people who were helped by it, were helped greatly. The people who did not like the content of the book, all seemed to feel that the book shouldn't be telling them what THEY need to change to improve their marriage. Look guys! There are TWO books! One for the man and one for the woman. The woman's book tells her what SHE needs to change to improve her marraige with her husband, what SHE needs to do to understand his needs, and communicate with him on his level. The man's book tells him what HE needs to do to improve his marriage. What HE needs to do so his wife will understand him. If the man's book told the reader what his wife needs to do to change, how exactly would that help??? He is supposed to be looking for answers to how HE needs to change, what HE needs to do, how HE can take action to repair past mistakes and plan for a happier future. Only you can change your own actions, you can not change your spouse. If you are reading the man's book then I think it should be telling the reader what the man needs to know and what the man can do to change. Yes, sometimes the author uses extreme examples. Sometimes the examples will look nothing like your life. Sometimes, they might resemble your life a little too closely that it makes you uncomfortable. You may not benefit frome very single chapter in the book. I don't benefit from every single chapter of every book I read. This isn't the Bible, it's a help book. If it helps, then it has done it's job.

I think perhaps if you really want to change your marriage, and make it better, you need to accept that perhaps you will have to change yourself first, before you can expect to change your mate. If you aren't looking for a book that offers advice on what YOU can do, then you won't like this book. If you are just looking for a book that you can hand to your wife and say "You need to change so we can have a better marriage" then you won't like this book. If you're looking for a SET of books that show both of you how to compromise, communicate better and be more compassionate to one another, and which will speak to each of you on your own level, then you will like these books.

Blessings to you all.

176 people found this helpful

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Robert I. Hedges

Useful Contents For Men

Reviewed in the United States on July 13, 2013

Verified Purchase

Let's understand two basic premises about "If Only He Knew" as an introduction to the review: this book is intended for men and men only; this book is centered on the Christian faith. If either of those is an issue, find another book. I didn't know exactly what to expect from the book, other than it was recommended to men trying to better understand the viewpoints of women. Although it's primarily written for men struggling in a marriage (and I'm guessing it would be helpful to those in that situation,) it is actually even better to read this before you're married or as an interested single man trying to better understand the opposite sex.

Overall I found the book good, but not exceptionally illuminating: much of what Smalley says is well established in western relationships, and some of his advice boils down to the incredibly obvious (be tender with your wife, try to see things from her viewpoint, don't speak when you're angry, etc.) I'm not saying these things are bad (though I must candidly admit that I found his stereotyping of men and women to be overgeneralized; I can certainly think of acquaintances and friends who do not come close to his descriptions.) I do generally agree with his analysis and much of his advice. I do take exception to his assertion that nearly 100% of marital problems are the man's fault. I actually do believe that men cause more relationship issues than women (if you are uncomfortable with this fundamental premise of Smalley's you will not find this book very helpful,) but while I greatly like and admire women, they are also not without fault (Smalley essentially reasons that their faults are reactions to something men already screwed up.) The book is liberally illustrated with stories of couples in peril, and I have no doubt these couples and their problems are real. I will also say that the intra-couple dialogue in the book seems frequently stilted; I had a hard time imagining real people saying these things. I flipped open to p. 78 at random and found this gem "What I plan to do is to stop pestering you about losing weight, and to spend the rest of my life focusing on how I can work on being a better friend and husband. I want to concentrate on learning how to love you for who you are, not criticizing you for not measuring up to my standards." Most people do not talk this way, but assuming this is an actual direct quote, talk about a backhanded compliment...I would not use it as a good example of improved communication.

Some of the things he says (especially in his lists) are quite idiosyncratic and are real puzzlers: on p. 106 in "Things a husband dislikes and criticizes in his wife" appears number eight, "She's afraid of speaking in front of groups." In the counterbalancing list on p. 107 "Common evidence of the husband's failure to genuinely love his wife, " also at number eight, is "He's critical of her grammar or speaking ability." I certainly did not expect this to appear in a top ten list of marital discord. In fact if you press on you come to grasp that Smalley himself did this with his wife Norma, hence its inclusion. I guess that I could see that being an issue if taken to an extreme, but this really needs to be a general guidebook not a list of quirks in an individual relationship. This is not the only example: also on the list on p. 107 is number 15, "He prefers his friends over hers and defends his friends over hers." Well yeah...they're HIS FRIENDS. (Side note: his contention that camping is the key to familial contentment utterly failed to convince me.) It's detours like that and a lot of repetition that serve to bring this book down from the five star level it could have attained.

Now that I have said what I find objectionable, let me tell you why I still think the book, though flawed, is useful. Better than most men and doubtlessly aided at great length by his wife Norma, Gary Smalley is able to explain to men what women (stereotypical women, anyway) are thinking and feeling in their interactions with men. This in and of itself is extremely useful, and some of his ideas on conflict resolution are very good (though the purely democratic process he advocates in families goes too far in my estimation, virtually giving even children veto power over major decisions like a career change and relocation.) I appreciate the moral values that Smalley uses to guide him, though there are some specific places I disagree with him.

You don't have to be married to find this guidebook useful. Although it is somewhat repetitive, it is short and easily digested by an interested male reader. If you are having trouble in a relationship, this book could help you immensely and I recommend it for that purpose. I actually propose that a better use might be as a preventative though: if you read this as a single man or a newly married man, this will be of more use to you to prevent issues from developing in the first place rather than as medicine when bad symptoms are already present.

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