I think that Martha Beck is honestly trying to write a book about 1) How to come to terms with having a child with Down's syndrome, and 2) How to survive in a world that seems to be against you.
At those two purposes, she fails miserably.
However, this is a fascinating book, because it is a few levels deep, and is actually about much more than Martha intended it to be.
If you're reading this review, you've probably already read this book. It's really worth another read, keeping one or more of the following topics in mind.
Topic #1: A woman's struggle with bulimia
Signs of this first topic permeate the first half of the book. I hesitate to bring this up, because I know that morning sickness, especially severe morning sickness is real. However, there are cues to that this is not just morning sickness, and it's not just the unusually violent morning sickness because of her autoimmune disorder. It's something more. Like many people with bulimia, Martha hates her bulimia. She would love to talk about it, but she needs to keep it guarded. During her descriptions of throwing up, it becomes obvious that she's been wanting to talk about throwing up for quite a while, but that the only way she can "safely" do so is to mask her bulimia behind her morning sickness.
Topic #2: A wife's denial that she is in love with a gay man
John is made out to be a manly man--an artificially manly man. In fact, whenever he can be talked about as manly, he is described as manly. Why does she have this need to make him into being so manly? Also, a pervasive theme throughout this book is how connected they are, how they are soul mates. This is all done in a very artificial way. Martha seems to be trying to convince herself way too hard that John loves her in a straight way.
Topic #3: How mean spiritedness can sometimes help people to cope
It's interesting how this book has been rated so high, and Martha's subsequent book has been rated so low. Both use the technique of mean spiritedness. However, I think that the difference is who the mean spiritedness is directed at.
In this book the mean spiritedness is directed at a) Stuffy Harvard intellectuals, who push people too hard academically, b) People with prejudice toward people with disabilities, and c) People who viscously advocate a "abortion at all costs" attitude toward children. These are all socially accepted people to be mean spirited towards.
In her next book, the mean spiritedness is directed at a) her dying 90-year-old father, and b) devout religious people. Devout religious people is an iffy topic to be mean spirited toward, but being mean spirited toward your dying 90-year-old father is always taboo.
It's fascinating how this book does a pretty good job at masking her mean spiritedness, because of whom the mean spiritedness is targeted to.
I know that a lot of people use the coping mechanism of being mean after the fact when the people who hurt them are no longer there. However, I think there are much better ways of dealing with underlying problems.
Topic #4: How some people "sensitively" treat people with disabilities as animals
I've noticed that the people I know who have members of their families with disabilities fall into three categories: a) that they treat their family members as equals, b) that they treat their family members as "special" or animals, that they can condescendingly "learn" from, and c) that they really don't like their family members, and they ignore or shun them. I think that of the people I know, that 80% fall into the first category, 10% fall into the second, and 10% fall into the third.
Martha Beck falls into the second category. Adam is not an equal. He is someone to condescendingly "learn" from. I was thinking this all the way through the book, and I was surprised when Martha confirmed this by literally comparing Adam to a pet cat in the last 20 pages.
I was sad about this. I know a lot of people who are in the first category, who aren't condescending to their family members with disabilities. It's too bad that more of those people don't write books about their stories.
Topic #5: Hypochondria doesn't even do this topic justice
The author mentions every time that John was sick in the seven years chronicled by this book. The author mentions about ten different diseases or disorders that she has, none of which is bulimia or mental illness, which I could believe. I could believe that she has an occasional disorder or two, but ten is a bit much to be believable.
Topic #6: How an extremely religious upbringing can leave someone soulless
This topic fascinates me. Martha grew up in a regimented, religious environment. She tried to escape it by going atheist for a while, and then was ultimately pulled back fiercely, and became a lot more of a "religious crazy" than she ever was before.
This kind of thing happens all of the time. Look at any religious fanatic that you have ever met, and they have the same story...a) Extremely strict and kind of weird religious upbringing, b) an attempt to escape and an attempt to turn their backs without ever dealing with the issues that their upbringing caused, and c) the metamorphosis into being a prophet-like figure, by figuring out some new truths above and beyond what the religious dogma of their youth taught, and d) a need to share these new truths with others.
This is Martha's story to a T.
And, the fascinating thing is that this cycle leaves a person without a heart and without a soul, and totally fixated on their new religious truths.
Topic #7: A chronicle of one person's descent into mental illness
Usually, if someone has a supernatural "gift," then it would get exhibited in one or two ways. Martha has about twenty distinctly different supernatural "gifts." I think that Superman only has about 15, and those are the fictional products of over 100 writers over the last 70 years.
I think that one supernatural gift is believable. Two to three are questionable, and four or more indicate mental illness. Martha has twenty.
The fascinating thing for me was trying to figure out what was actually real.
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Top reviews from other countries
S.V.G.
Funny, eye-opening and inspiring. Didn't want it to end!
Reviewed in Canada on September 1, 2022
Amparo
Absolutamente maravilloso... Creo que el mejor libro de Martha Beck
Reviewed in Spain on March 1, 2021charlottaB
A true tale of love and magic
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on October 5, 2018Doris
lesenswertes Buch, es ist spannend und gibt viele neue Denkanstöße
Reviewed in Germany on October 26, 2014
